


Thoughts On The Fucked Up State Of The World

by dolos_0



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Poetry, it has details of my Trauma in it which we will not talk about, pretty heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:07:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29186037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dolos_0/pseuds/dolos_0
Summary: these are some poems, mostly written by me although a couple really good one from old friends on discord are on there (this will be specified in the notes)
Kudos: 3





	1. Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by an argument i had with my dad.

I’m scared

Of the thought

That you would care

I’m drowning

In rivers

Not coming up for air

Rushing

Inside of

Your uncaring ears 

I’m living

In the water

That you can hear

The darkness 

Is reaching

It’s tendrils for me

I’m done

It’s over

I can’t even see

I’m falling

Into

The silence of pain

Muffled

And hazy

And grey


	2. My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by the immortality of the moon and the feeling of hope i get when people hold hands. very short.

walk with me, lover, under the pale waning moon

who weeps silver stars for our fleeting love

she has seen too much to hope for a happy ending

but we are young, lover, and we can afford to dream


	3. Mundane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by the terrible feeling i get very late at night. i use they/them pronouns now, so please be mindful of that.

This sad lonely city

This cold frozen house

This scared little girl

Who wants to get out

I wait for the moment

And I waste away

As I wait for my chance

To dance with the fae

Normal, mundane

An ordinary sky

But I wish and I plead

Because I want to fly


	4. Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by suicidal thought. i cried when i wrote this.

My brain is a bonfire

I’m burning up fast

I’m drowning in lava

I’m not gonna last

The carousel spinning

Of death and despair

They look and they see

No predicament there

My life is a mess

I’m a screwup complete

And I’m falling in hatred

Isn’t that neat?

The ocean is pulling

I need to answer the call

I’m teetering, tottering

I don’t want to fall

The shadows are looming

Casting much more than doubt

My brain is a bonfire

That I need to put out


	5. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by stars. i like to imagine im special sometimes.

They sing

From above

A tune

Oh so glad

But 

I can hear it

Its driving me 

mad

Softer

And softer

The stars 

fade away

And the sun 

rises gently

Another

Sad day


	6. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by self harm. therapy is utter, utter bullshit. quite short.

Written 

In

Calligraphy

Uttered

In

Quiescency

Under

Lined

In Blood

The

End

(of me)


	7. A Love Letter To My Dead Cat Juno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by trauma. fucking hate this 

Breath wheezing, feet pounding

Pavement flying behind my heels

Hair flying into unwilling mouth

The shouting of my pursuers has to force its way past the blood in my ears.

When I was small my parents brought me a present

In the shape of a puddle of bones

Fish whiskered, shoulders like mountains

I named him Juno, and thought that he would live

The puddle expanded, glistening in the asphalt road

Shoulders limp now, fish whiskered still

Scooping you up, staining my skin in star-shaped patterns

And it felt like Mass all over again

So here we are now, two years later, running from my brother’s best mate

There’s blood escaping from my nose and my fingernails hurt from where I’ve clawed at his eyes

The night sky is growing arches, sprouting stained glass

And as I pant behind a bush, I listen to two sets of feet walk the pews


	8. CAMHS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. fuck everything.

And have you recently had any thoughts of harming yourself or others?

Uh, yes

Can you describe them to me?

(Well, you see, I have fantasies every day about squeezing your throat and watching the light die out in your eyes and pressing my foot onto your face and cutting you the way you cut me and ripping out your tongue and cleaving you in two. I dream about leaping off a bridge, slicing down my arms, tying knots and swallowing poison and crunching down chalky oblivion and cocking pistols. the last thing i want to taste is gunpowder)

Uh, I guess I sometimes think about...killing myself. I mean-

And did you have a plan?

/glance down at bandages, count to ten, galaxies burn, universes die, she waits with lipstick gathering in the corners of her mouth/

Um. Yes, I...I planned it

I see. On paper?

(I wrote it down in blood, you silly bitch. I carved it into my thighs and wrists and stomach, I burned it into my palms, I wrote it in the iron and wood of every train-track that I stumbled across)

Um, no. I....I just kind of, thought about it.

Alright. We’re going to start you on 1000mg of paracetamol, followed by six shots of vodka and a bottle of water

I’m sorry?

I said I’m going to prescribe you six more weeks of therapy. After that, we can talk about medication.


	9. Jigsaw Pieces Lost Under The Sofa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. memory is a bitch, huh?

Memories can come and go,

Fragments of glass hanging 

Motionless, preserved in the past

Like birds, floating on the updrafts of time

Memories are attached to objects,

Association tugging at my heartstrings

Wheeling me along in a dune buggy

Made from holidays to the beach, school trips and bus rides in the rain

A coffee mug could be the gateway to my first kiss

A bottle opener the promise of my parents divorce

A necklace the key to my grandmother’s funeral

And a train ticket could be the remnants of my last day on earth.


	10. On being called a faggot (lowercase intended)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. slurs are bad. burn in hell.

We’re all human beings

All born, struggling, clawing at out mothers legs

All living, heads, hands and hearts flexing under the stars

All decaying, all rotting, all crumbling to dust

Who cares what comes in between?

Who cares who we kiss under the shifting leaves?

Who cares what name we call ourselves in the quiet of our bedroom?

Who cares what colour we appear to be, light bouncing all the same?

So when you throw cigarettes at me

And when you pour paint on me

And when you call me faggot dyke queer bent whore slut slag?

You must remember

We are all equal in Hell


	11. School Bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. inspired by the feeling of being the only one not going on a school trip. jay and dolos are my two use-names, u can use either one :)))

Chin in hand, I watch the raindrops fall like freshwater tears

The class is empty, teacher speaking into cavernous silence

I sit, back against the wall, as the coaches outside pull away

Filled with warmth and muggy voices

‘Jay?’ The singular syllable pulls me out of my head

‘You can go twenty minutes early’ 

An exhalation of sorrow, a gathering of worn down papers

And a prickle on the back of my tongue, the promise of tears


	12. Windows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of mine. can you tell i'm getting tired? last chapter for now.

Small house

Concrete brain

Pulling down

Falling rain

Shadows dark

Looming shape

Heart is gone

The hole will gape

Nothing good

Will come for me

Let me die

It’s time you see

Fragile light

Wavers now

In the balance

Leaning down


	13. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by the very lovely gee whom i share a discord server with!

my throat burns with silence

but I have nothing left to speak about, only the hollow drone of the wind on my window reminds me that SOUND EXISTS

and I COULD MAKE IT but I forget how to

I forget how to speak 

how to form words

my tongue is hollow and heavy from what I have unlearned


	14. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> again, by the wonderful gee

my body is a burden I must bear

that I must tug and pull and nudge and stretch 

my skin to cover up my flaws,

and smooth the bumps and hang the skin

off of my gaunt and melting jaw

a hazy looking artifice 

made by the shaky hand of god

i claw around the rims slowly

sharp fingers with much sharper nails

And poke and prod and pour myself 

in every pore, cement fills up the gaps

solidifies until I’m crumbling 

cracking sore with stitches on my soul

pinpricks over my aorta 

punctures over every stray vein

my body is a mould 

in which I’ve melded every aspect of myself

and prayed somehow, some way

it could line up and form

some kind of 

coherent 

figure

my body is a stick, 

a sphere, 

a subjugate shape:

it’s a signpost mid-desert yelling “go back, no water this way!”

my skin breaks and tears 

and I don’t patch it up

while it crumbles and crumples, a shadow of dust.

my body is a burden I must bear-

my body is what’s left of me without myself there.


End file.
